A Common Mr Conception

That is, indeed, a frosty question.

I have been on, what can only be described as, a rather lame quest this last month. Trying to find the most non-alcoholic, alcoholic-looking drink. And it’s highlighting how goddamn hard it is to order a drink, anywhere, without alcohol in it, if you’re not willing to simply settle with ‘ordering off the kids menu‘.

Emma, with good reason, has decided to drop the booze altogether. You can debate all you like about how ‘just a drop’ won’t harm you baby, but… what fun is ‘just a drop’ anyway?

And while there may be as much research to suggest that drinking in moderation while pregnant is ‘unlikely to harm’, as there is research to suggest the opposite - there is absolutely ZERO research suggesting that it might be, in any way, ‘good for the baby’.

So why bother?

Easy for me to say, right?

Well, not exactly. Women only have to suffer the pain of not drinking. Men must suffer the pain of drinking alone. The guilt of cracking open a frosty beer while their rotund loved-one makes sad eyes at you over her glass of lemonade.

Emma has even suggested I have a month without alcohol, in support.

Ridiculous.

But – which brings me back to my lame quest – I have decided I can no longer live with the guilt of drinking beer if Emma can’t join me. So I have set about tracking down the best, the most authentic, zero % alcohol beer.

Which, in a country of alcoholics, is no mean feat.

4 bottle shops I visited one Friday night last month, clutching a cooling wrap of fish and chips to my chest, desperately seeking a beer that was, quite literally alcohol free. And I’m not talking about those namby-pamby, sober driver alcohol-reduced beers. I mean the real stuff. Alcohol actually physically removed.

I’d heard a rumour about a German beer, Bitburger Drive, which was zero alcohol, but didn’t taste like bathwater run through a soda stream. As a full blooded Kiwi bloke, it takes courage to go from bottle store to bottle store asking for a beer without zero alcohol. Always having to qualify it with the line, ‘it’s for the wife. she’s up the duff’.

Even with such a seemingly valid excuse, it is still an experience akin to a recently released pedophile going door to door advising his new neighbors of his recently rehabilitated crimes. Before you mention the wife, people look you up and down, either sadly, like you’re a recovering alcoholic, or sideways, like your plain fruity. After you explain at length who it’s actually for, there’s still the stigma of judgement… “how irresponsible, letting a pregnant woman drink beer like that. tsk”

In fact, my wife and I are fast discovering how badly geared this part of the world is for those who, whether by force, circumstance, or choice, can’t drink alcohol, but don’t want to spend all evening sipping fruity cocktails in the colors of traffic lights, or endless glasses of orange juice.

Some bars or restaurants will do a virgin Mojito. Most just cock it up and serve you posh L&P, at $10/glass. Nobody, anywhere, stocks no-alcohol beer, wine or bubbly. Like only a nutter would bother ordering it. Or a pregnant woman.

Is there a difference?

And anyway, isn’t there meant to be some sort of a baby boom on? Surely there’s a massive gap in the market? Or am I just seeing lot’s of pregnant woman, now that I’m with one?

The good news is, I eventually found my Bitburger Drive. And it does actually tastes like beer, but with less than 0.05% alcohol. Apparently they brew it like normal beer, then surgically remove the booze at the last minute. Or something along those lines. It’s really not too bad.

Not that I’ll be touching any of it, mind. Alcohol-free beer? What are you, queer?!

I found it, across town, sitting on a surprisingly plump shelf of other non-Alcoholic choices in the booze section of New World Ponsonby. The home of yummy mummys, and recovering media alcoholics.

I guess I just live in a suburb with too many baby boomers. And they’re all busy drinking themselves to death.